I'm on the edge

I am genuinely on the edge of breaking down.

My head is in such a mess. Ok so I screwed up big time, and im regretting it so much. how can you go from being so close to the phrase "we are just friends". I thought I could come to terms with it as she said we would still hug and kiss (some of the best i have ever had) but seeing her kiss someone else genuinely hurt... and it basically is the fact that i don't want our moments to just become a thing or for her to have them with anyone else. Thats the female issue done.

Then my nan died so I feel a little lost.

HIGH HO HIGH HO FESTIVAL I GO

So today I will be leaving for the local lounge on the farm festival :), the line up for Canterbury isn't to shabby with my favourite female artist Ellie Goulding performing on the Saturday. I am however disappointed that I had to pay for a full adult ticket, as a student required a NUS card, I am still a student but don't own one of them cards, so i had to fork out £110 compared to £90 for a student, one slight scam.

I am disappointed at the Sunday line up, its headlined by Echo and the Bunny men, yes your guess is as good as mine who they are, it is also full of bands so indie that the indie genre has never heard of them. However I am going with good quality people that will no doubt make me enjoy my time, shit bands or good bands.

I shall be fighting my way to the front tomorrow to see the streets final live performance as a whole. Fit but you know it is a defining song of the 00's and takes me back to a frivolous summer, I shall be looking forward to this final performance I'm sure they will go out with a bang.

The weather forecast predicts a showery weekend, fuck it I don't care. in the words of Liza "no ones gone to rain on my parade[well festival]".

No doubt you will hear my opinion on the weekend come Monday, so today is wet wipe food and sleeping bag hunting, then a game of football.

ttfn Tom

FEELS GOOD

I can not explain how good it feels to be finally free of school, and A levels. Its like free crack for a crack head, its that good.


I can now do whatever I want. This being one example, I am now free to blog as i have what seems like unlimited time on my hands. So expect a few more posts from me now seen as my revision period it seems i neglected my beloved blog, this will be almost like a confession/ gossipy blog from now on in. With the ins and outs of my somewhat stagnant love life.


I can also read, yes I love a book, but more to the point books I don't have to read because I have an exam on them just a book for sure pleasure , so I think I will find my "one day" book again and finally read it from beginning to end. hopefully by reading more it allows me to develop my own writing skills for uni.


O and there is also the plus side of going out and getting FUCKED because there's no school in the morning. This means meeting more girls complicating my somewhat confusing   relationship I have with a girl at the moment, but ultimately creating more to blog about.


I am also freeing myself of all the dead beats that ultimately drew me back. When I yearned  for more they wanted a safe option, to dare is to do as the yids say ( I am not a yid). However after last night's prom I reallise I will miss the most random people as I may never see them again. Tom Jordan (TJ) Will miss our Dover Athletic talk. The most emotional good bye last night was with a little gem called Hannah Yearley, if I never see her again a big void will be created. That is only her shape to fill.


TO ANYONE READING THIS GOOD LUCK FOR THE FUTURE

VENICE !

First of all I would like to apologise for deserting my blog for quite some time. But I'm back after a weeks trip in Venice.

OK to the left is Tinkerbell, this was one of the funniest free moments going and saw the formation of the back rowers. I first met this outgoing lady whilst trying to haggle with an Italian stool trader, they are not like the British, they don't do you any deals, foreign bastards! 

At the top of his voice my mate goes to this woman " WTF are you wearing ?" Thank Pope she was foreign. then we moved on and caught here again across the way, "get a photo with her Foad" so i sprinted across and took that photo.
<<<< 

 THE BACK ROWERS

THE BACK ROWERS were the most outgoing people on the coach if i may say so myself, always singing and laughing and ... trading Pokemon. we had a good time because we were away from significant others and it gave us a chance just to be lads and fantasise about Tina.
Tina was great she bought us shots whilst watching the football, got drunk on the first night and bought us more drinks when explicitly told not to, we did however feel bad when she got the disappointed look, another one who bought us drinks was Tagg the money man of the back rowers and also Miss Witherington. all in all that was a great night it ended up with some explicit pictures.

I would go back to Venice with the same group anytime anywhere. Especially with Tina.

Another Level

To start off, OCR, AQA, EDEXCEL, you need to make GCSE’s much harder, the transition to A Level is far too vast, the workload triples and your time divides by the same amount if not more. So that’s my rant over!

So the title another level, well that is just what A Levels are,  it’s another level of higher learning ‘broadening and strengthening your skills base’.  Six months of this ‘broadening and strengthening’ left, but, I’m slowly being broken down cell by cell, of what I hope is a rather large brain.
You’d  think six months is a long time, well no, the first day back of the new term and one of my friends go ‘we have nine school weeks left’ BEEP BEEEEEEP, yes that’s the alarm bells going off in my head, how on earth did sixth months go from nine weeks in a few syllables. So melt down in my head begins, how on earth do I balance everything? Work, driving lessons, rehearsals, school, coursework, social time. At times I feel like a student is training to be in a circus, every student I know has to juggle everything, and it tends to be for your own sanity. At times I have broke down, this comes after conversation like this with my mum ‘you must do well at school Tom, you don’t want to end up like your Dad and live in Dover the rest of your life’, that’s a fair point Dover is an awful place to grow up, I did deprivation coursework in this area and is going down hill fast, last month Dover was in the news, no not for its amazing FA cup run but because we had our first shooting. Helicopters were everywhere, this was just round the corner from my house, and how on earth was I expected to revise with the SWAT team above my head? (That will be my excuse if I fail geography, do I get extra marks if I write to the exam board and say this?) , but with my mum it’s just a whole load of added pressure, being an only child all the earnest is on me, to be the first one in the family to go to university and make something of themselves.  Sometimes you just want your house to be a retreat away from all the pressures, but it just makes it worse with parents like mine.

Now I would feel comfortable if I went to a top school, in hindsight I should have gone to the girls’ grammar, just round the corner from my house (yes the same place of the shooting) better teaching and obvious benefits, if you understand my meaning.
At my school we have poor, poor teachers. On a scale of poorness it’s about on par with Kerry Katona’s mothering skills, for instance three days , before my Geography re-sit I had my teacher go ‘sorry lads I don’t know what I should do with you’. Well  thanks for nothing, so this meant hours and hours of self taught lessons at home, I suppose I learnt more than I would have if I had been at school, this is because I had brain fuel; tea, milk, two sugars.
My PE teacher somehow managed to get to university on two E’s, times have changed I need so much more than that, but she thinks it’s ok to send us on a two mile run, we have 9 school weeks left and we haven’t even finished reading the book, great just great and the homework s exactly the same, ‘boys I want you to have completed three two mile runs by next week’ , yeah sure I’ll do that, when you find me the hours in the day.   

The “study” (in air apostrophes) is more like a playground, there’s  the corner crew a group full of photographers and social retards, there  so busy taking pictures of other people’s lives that they forget they have one of their own. There’s  the annoying year twelve group, I can’t wait till they are in the position I’m in now and realise they should have done so much more work and occasionally shut up ! I also have to be carer for the one we call the tank, big but stupid, he is so hyper active I mistake him for a 7 year old, I tell him to take his pills and sit down. Then there’s the “gleeks” I find myself spending most of my time with this group as I’m involved in all the shows and the performing departments at my school, this group is like the film ‘mean girls’, all ways casting judgement on whoever walks past. When the girls of the group leave and do hard (?) dance work, the boys tend to talk about sex or football , normal talk, not, stressed talk, light hearted and more to the point welcomed conversation. Like most of school life you tend to drift between people trying to fit in, I tend to drift to where the next hot girl is.

‘School is a dry run for your life’. I’m pretty sure that life gets pretty hectic and stressed; it’s probably why people end up shooting each other. You need to have a little me time, mine consists of listening to Adele and reading something completely non school related.

I would suggest a few simple rules:
DO have me time, it allows you to distress
DO speak to someone, teachers are actually a great help
Do REVISE, yes it does help, honest
DO plan your time and when you’re gone to do things
DO have a TARGET

DON’T Panic (Mr. Mannering) it doesn’t help you will upset yourself
DON’T work part time for more than 15 hours, I do it its hard

DO succeed, have the drive and commitment, 6 months for a yearlong party is not much really.
Good luck

                                                    

Every time I here her name I get taken back to the Train

^I should so be a lyricist with a title like that ^

It is honest and from my heart, so sorry to everyone this is another diary entry.

She meant everything to me, and I would have given her the world, I loved her. Fact is she’s the only girl I have completely loved, with no doubts or wandering eyes, oh no wait, I DID. I curse myself everyday for a train journey with a "friend". I should never have done it I had got all gifts and everything ready for her birthday, but I thought one more trip wouldn't do any harm. It ended up hurting someone who I would happily give my life for. 

It can be the simplest thing that reminds me of her. For instance this Christmas an I'm a celebrity board game was in the shop, it reminded me of being on the phone to her and us both having to be quiet as our mums were watching it, it would be the best hour of the day, both of us in total bliss because of each others voice.
  There is also her identical twin at my school, well not really but they are spitting images, it reminds me of how lucky I was, to have someone not only flawless, but kind too. 
 Then there's

Coronation Street

simply because her mum looks like Kym Marsh. 
The killer is when people ask me are you over her, in my heart of hearts ... no. But at the same time I'm ready to let go. 

I have met someone, which makes me feel exactly the same, unfortunately she’s now taken, and I blew my chance. I would let go of the first for her. She can teach me. I just need to win the tally chart. 

I MISS open goals

Sometimes I will miss an open goal, but more so in life.

So what more do you want at 16, all you really need is football, money, beer and someone to be there for you like a girlfriend. All of which I had, you ask yourself so how did you screw this one up?

well she was a lovely, beautiful girlfriend she agreed with me on most things and would never think of batting an eyelid at any other boy in more than a joking way. But that was it I got bored, it was great being able to see her whenever I wanted and seeing her rather attractive mum. However there was no fire, no fiery arguments and consequential making up methods, and therefore temptation got a hold of me and forced me to, cheat. All females that were reading please continue to do so we are not all that bad. I cheated with a lifelong friend (yes a life long friend at 16, OK, well more on and off girlfriend, person). I felt terrible she was and still is the best girlfriend I have had, I told a few of my close friends and there solution was to tell her the truth and therefore hear it from me first rather than rumours. I eventually did this and well we are no longer together. Adele's album features a song called "someone like you", this song just reminds me of her every word of what we could of had, this also has some relevance to her other song "rolling in the deep" only I'm the one that hand her heart in my hand, which I stupidly squashed. SO THANKS ADELE FOR GIVING ME A GUILTY CONSCIOUS !  GOAL DEFINANTLY MISSED

(IF YOU KNOW WHO I AM ON ABOUT DO NOT SAY ANYTHING I’M USING THIS LIKE A DIARY, thank you)

I got over her, eventually, after many attempts of trying to get her back, one of which was certain until she suddenly put in a relationship with _ _ _ _ _    _ _ _ _  clearly not my name< i was enraged, but a silver lining was on the horizon.

I had met someone attractive, and through not giving up, we eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend. we had a great time together. The same person I cheated on the previous girl had a huge influence on me again, this time I didn't cheat, just listened to the wrong person. GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY MISSED.

Now I fear my past may have hindered my future, especially with girls. However I have changed, I couldn't keep going on like I had. I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN! Well until I go to uni, but if I "love you" it may be different.

PS changed my background so its more like the Ellie Goulding lights cover.